Converse"ations" with Meg
Out with the Old
On Monday, I decided to clean out my closet. I have done this a few times over the years, when stuff is stuffed into corners or I can’t find the other shoe of a set because it has fallen behind a pile of old t-shirts (don’t judge me, you know this has happened to your closet too!). Monday was different, it was a real, deep, pull everything out and really get rid of things that I had been holding onto. This may not seem big to some, but to someone with drastic weight-loss, it is harder than you would think. Something in your mind wants so badly to hold on to those old clothes. The thought of one day needing them again is terrifying, but the thought of letting them go brings anxiety. It is hard to explain, and I know something that does not make sense unless you have been through it before. Let me do my best to explain how Monday was for me.
With the encouragement from my girl squad, I finally felt like I could really and truly clean and go through those memories. For me, a lot of the old clothes, the size 4XL and the size 22/24 or 26/28 items were just in the back of my closet, collecting dust. For me, physically grabbing them, touching them and pulling them out of my closet would bring tears to my eyes. So many sad memories would flood back. The way people would look at me in disgust while I ate, the way people would make backhanded comments, not always meaning too, that put me down. Suggestions of people, “have you tried walking,” “just sub out some of your food for healthier options.” Well thanks, I am not dumb, I am just not in a place yet mentally to do that, and YOU are making it WORSE!
For example, the photo attached of me in the teal sweater is from a family Christmas event. I remember going with my mom to Lane Bryant the day before that gathering, and just wanting to find the BIGGEST shirt I could to try and cover as much of my body as I could. I wore that with black leggings, it was a THICK sweater, and it was a HOT Christmas in Mississippi, but I wore it, I sweated and I just wanted to be covered. I felt like it did a great job of hiding how big I had gotten, my mom was sweet about it, how she loved the color and how it was a pretty color on me, but it was huge, it was a HUGE piece of clothing she spent $60.00 on to help me cover my body. Then I remember seeing that picture, the very picture attached, and I was just mortified. That sweater, the size 26/28 did not hang on me, it hugged me. I had gotten to a place that I did not ever think I could get out of, and I was just so sad. I felt alone and sad, and just simply stuck.
When I pulled that sweater out of the back of my closet Monday to give away, those memories came back. That wasn’t the only piece of clothing memories were attached to either. Monday was hard, I would just take something and hold it for a second, I would feel sadness with memories attached, but I would feel so thankful for the new memories I am able to create now. I pulled two skirts out, both 4XL, they were what I exercised in. I would put on pants, but would put those skirts on over the pants to hide what the workout pants showed, I had a grey one and a black one, I had completely forgotten about them! I pulled those out, and unfolded them and remembered the courage I had to muster to walk into an exercise class. I became so insanely thankful for the support and the love those classes gave to me, I got to a point where I enjoyed going, and that for me, in the 4XL skirt, was huge.
This has been long-winded on my part, and really not easy to type, but I want you to know, I gathered 8 bags of clothing to donate, 8 bags. It was overwhelming and such a growth thing for me to finally have the courage to touch those things and separate from those memories and those items in my closet. Bailey went with me to donate them, and it was the biggest celebration to see those things go! I am so thankful for the lifestyle change that has allowed me to not only lose the weight, but to keep it off. Putting Christ first in every aspect of life, even my eating changed me. I had to do better, I had to be better for his kingdom and that is what led me to change. I am so thankful for the new memories and the fun exciting things that come with weight loss but that doesn’t change the hurt, sadness, and overwhelming sense of hopelessness I once felt. Those memories will never go away, but they are part of my story, and I think Christ has used them to mold me into a very unique motivator and workout instructor. I have been on the other side, I know what it is like to struggle and feel hopeless, it also makes me more passionate and excited over smaller victories I see in people. I love my story, and I am honored Christ chose me to write this story through!