A Birthday Realization...

If 2016 Bailey, could have seen this stinker coming she would have been so excited!

I had a startling revelation, or maybe a recognition, recently concerning my life a decade ago. It’s a truth that I knew in my heart of hearts but it was truly hammered home with the new year social media trend of “me in 2016 vs me in 2026”. I remember bits of this time and I remember thinking it wasn’t great but I was shocked to find that I couldn’t do a then vs now picture because I don’t have one easily accessible… even on my phone’s camera roll. Like I went a solid five or more years without updating any social media profile picture because I didn’t have one picture that I liked enough to show anyone. Actually, I don’t think I had a picture of me at all. 

See this was the time before my “Less Bitter, More Glitter” experience which you can read more about here and definitely before I started the surrendering process for what the Lord wanted to do in my life. Honestly, all I remember was being terrified of turning 30 because it felt like I was “failing” at life. You may be wondering how someone can fail so spectacularly by 30. The truth is I wasn’t, it just felt that way…

I was working an exhausting job that I only started as a “temporary” solution to the 2008 financial crisis and one that felt very out of place in my world. Little did I know that “temporary” fix was my purpose, my mission field and I have to say that seventeen years later my outlook is a little different, as is my willingness to trust that the Lord knows best. 

This was also the time of endless bridal showers, baby dedications and general celebration for, what seemed like, everyone but me. Every invitation brought a new sting to what was already a tender heart. Well-meaning people were full of less than helpful questions and comments like, “Why are you still single? Don’t you know any single men?” and “Maybe your standards are too high? You know you aren’t getting any younger.” It was all the comments, direct and indirect, that made me feel like I had an expiration date looming at 30. Like, if I didn’t marry by 2016, I’d receive a monthly subscription to “Spinster Weekly” and a cat. 

I also bought into the idea that it all went down hill after 30. You had wrinkles and gray hair. You were too old or boring to do anything fun and all your friends would be busy with their husband and family, which you should be busy with but aren’t, for the above reasons. 

It kind of makes me laugh now thinking about it but I remember how overwhelmed I felt by it all. It truly felt like a crisis. If 30 was going to be this tragic, what about the rest of the decade, much less the rest of my life? Even if things got better, wouldn’t I always feel like I was playing catch up with my peers? Oh how I wish I could sit little Bailey down and have a short chat. 

Turns out, my 30s were pretty freaking amazing. Not easy or simple, quite the opposite actually, but they have been really great! So much so that starting a few years back I began actively looking forward to my 40s. I figured if my 30s were that much better than my 20s how much better will my 40s be? Like who knows, but I’m excited to find out!

My 30s saw the restoration of a version of myself that I hid for many years but it also saw the start of an auto-immune journey that often makes me not “recognize” the current version of me. My 30s also saw the start of some of the most dear and sweet relationships I could have ever dreamed up. Who said you can’t meet your besties right in the middle of mundane adulthood? However, my 30s also contained immense heartbreak and loss that still leaves an ache. 

This was the decade I “moved up the totem pole” at work as we like to say, where I have very firmly wedged myself into my veteran status. I even found out what my natural hair color is and no, it still doesn’t match my eyebrows. I survived a pandemic, a crazy court case and more unknowns than 20s Bailey could have fathomed. I even conquered my fear of needles, well sort of. 

This past decade also saw a ton of growth and learning including new vocabulary words like intentional, expectation, rest and restoration… sometimes a “no” even gets thrown in there for good measure. I have laughed, cried, worshipped, danced, tripped, fell and got back up. 

I don’t have pictures from a decade ago because that life didn’t look like what I wanted, expected or worked to achieve so I didn’t think it was worthy of documenting but I’d like to believe the same is true now but with a shift. I probably have too many pictures now because my life doesn’t look anything like what I wanted, expected or have worked towards and to me, that makes it very worthy of documentation. 

This is a life that is so clearly written by God. It’s a life that contains joys I can’t begin to describe and mistakes covered in more mercy than I knew was available. It contains plot twists that the greatest of mystery writers would design and more humor than the best comedian has to offer. It’s messy and beautiful. It’s so hard, yet often so exhilarating. It’s a life that only the great Author could have woven together. Personally, I pray that you will learn to surrender your “terms” to the Father far earlier than I did and stand with open hands so He can give you His grand design. 

I don’t know what 40 will hold or 49 but I do know that I’m excited for it. I don’t really have a plan this time and I think that might just be perfect. So, I guess I’ll see you back here in 2036? I'm thinking 50 is gonna be a hoot!!!